Which Monstrosity Is Leading The Next Prime Minister Betting Odds?

May 31, 2019

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The Conservative Party is in its death throes, and with the possibility of No Deal approaching, it is worth remembering, as Johnny Sack learned: “There is no stage five.” If there is any situation that screams metastasis, then it is a choice between Boris Johnson, Esther Mcvey, and Sajid Javid.

Johnson remains the frontrunner (9/4 with BlackType). He might currently be on the cusp of having his collar felt, but there is nothing that can change the perception of him. All his flaws are in the open, have been well documented, and he only half-heartedly denies the truth of his actions. He has misled the public at large, but his supporters enthusiastically like being misled. When the Conservative Party come to choose their leader, they will vote as they always have done, for someone who paints reality as they would like to see it.

It does not matter that No Deal is ruinous and stupid. It does not matter that their leader might ultimately betray them because he has no ambitions beyond ambition itself, and cave to a soft Brexit. They have a leader who tells them they are right, who is unpleasant in the direction of the people they don’t like, and who will not take a moment’s pause before throwing himself at the latest wheeze. He’ll let them come along for the ride vicariously, and that’s good enough for them.

If Johnson is put to the membership, then it is almost certain he will win. He is, after all, as unpleasant and intellectually bust as the rest of them. He’s self-conscious Breitbart with a thesaurus. The only way for him not to win is for the rest of the candidates to stitch him up. To give them hope, they should remember that nobbling rivals comes as naturally to them as starving poor people to death. Let’s run through the list of them, and insult them as we go.

The ‘Best’ Of The Rest

Javid (25/1 with 888) didn’t bother to lift a finger as an innocent child died abroad because he wanted to make a point about the child’s mother, who was herself a child when she was groomed to join ISIS. It doesn’t take an expert to realise that the rule of law is only worth something when it is followed in the most difficult cases, but we can anyway be comfortable drawing the conclusion that Javid is no expert. That suggests he has the necessary ruthlessness to get rid of Johnson if the opportunity presents itself.

Jeremy Hunt (16/1 with Betfred) kneecapped the NHS, and then told the NHS that it would be a six to eight month wait to have an operation on the first kneecap, but for an extra £300 Richard Branson would take a look at in June. His ability to shit in your mouth and call it a sundae would, to be fair, be a useful skill if he drove us off an economic cliff.

In contrast, Michael Gove (7/2 with Unibet) is known for being an extremely erudite man, a deep thinker, and personally very kind and considerate. Which makes his policies – which are economically damaging, vicious and Islamophobic – only make sense if his good qualities are totally artificial and cynically constructed. He was the minister in charge of banning straws though, so we can at least say he has found his level.

McVey (50/1 with Coral) delights in destroying the lives of the vulnerable, and believes ‘parents know best’ when it comes to the decision to raise children as bigots. That will go down well with the party membership, and because this decision to choose the next leader of the country is only offered to the party membership, it is worth playing up your hatred of humanity through the prism of individuals’ rights.

Last and very possibly least, Rory Stewart (13/1 with SportNation). Stewart wrote a couple of passable books, and so is regarded as something of an intellectual. His answer to the society that is divided by the austerity that he voted through again and again, is ‘love’, which suggests that he is nothing of an intellectual. He is very possibly the best candidate available to the country because he does not seem set on destroying the country through the stupidest Brexit he can lay his hands on. No, he would be the architect of his own particular British disaster.

As for the rest of them: Imagine if you chiselled off the warmth and humanity off Theresa May. Congratulations, you’ve made Andrea Leadsom (8/1 with Ladbrokes). The Malthouse Compromise was a risible boondoggle as a policy, and it is as a person. Dominic Raab (6/1 with BoyleSports) is James B’Stard without the intellect. James Cleverly (28/1 with Royal Panda) would confused by trying to stand up in a swimming pool. Sir Graham Brady (50/1 with Unibet) is a set of bad teeth, smashed up with a hammer, in a suit. Matt WankCock (40/1 with Betfair). Mark Harper (100/1 with Betfred) is a waste of my time, your time, and his own.

Much like this whole pitiful endeavour.

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Author: Alex Netherton

Alexander Netherton used to be a writer

Twitter @lxndrnthrtn

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